Part 3: The Paradox of Shame
In part 1 of my series on shame I shared how shame is an evolutionary emotional response, wired in us to prevent ostracization. To help us remain safe within our village. I described shame as an accumulation of cultural, familial, and societal ideals. Steeped in isms and systems of oppression—sexism, fat-phobia, racism, patriarchy, colonialism, ableism, cisgenderism, and more.
I claimed shame as not your own, but the beliefs and voices of a culture bent on maintaining a toxic status quo. Benefiting the few, harming most.
Today I want to share a paradoxical idea central to navigating shame.
Owning it.
Not the shame itself, but the parts you’ve shamed, or banished within yourself.
Shame is not yours to carry, but it is yours to own.
Samantha Keely Smith, Yield, 2014
According to Carl Jung, we all possess a shadow. Our shadow speaks to traits we repress within ourselves, the qualities we deny.
For example, my shame story, “I’m bad because I’m weird,” was long repressed by trying to be everything but, and judging the eccentricities in others. Because weird was the shamed quality I believed would have me ousted from the community, I did everything in my power to not be that.
And, as I’m sure you’ve felt, it requires a lot of energy to deny parts of ourselves. There’s an emotional, somatic, and energetic cost. Shame festers, eating away at our soul, as Jung described.
To liberate ourselves from our shadow, we must bring the shamed and repressed parts of ourselves to the light and acknowledge how we all possess a full range of humanity and expression.
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Be With Your Shame
The following is a practice to be with your shame, offer somatic and emotional processing, and allow whatever other emotions arise alongside it. Find a quiet space that feels private and secure, and set the space with a candle, soft blanket, or warm mug of tea.
Before you begin, practice at least one of the tools from part 1 to help regulate your nervous system and connect with a felt sense of safety.
Using the shame story you’ve already identified, journal on the following:
If *insert your shame story* were true, my greatest fear(s) would be…
Why is this part so unloveable, shameful, or wrong?
When did you learn this part was unloveable, shameful, or wrong?
Next, scan your body. Notice any sensations that are present after spending time with your shame. See if you can stay with the sensation(s).
Offer your body breath.
If it feels supportive, try placing a palm over the sensation of shame. Again, see if you can stay with it. As you pause your awareness here, try offering some language to nurture the feeling. Maybe it’s “I’m here for you,” “I’m not going anywhere,” “I see you,” “I love you.”
As you turn toward the sensation of shame with loving witness, notice what happens inside. Keep repeating your phrase of nurturance until you notice the sensation soften. See if you can allow any other emotions to move through you. As sensations subside, can you notice what that feels like.
In the absence of shame, what sensations, or new feelings come alive within you?
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Free Your Shame
Now we’ve created some emotional, somatic, and energetic space with shame, let’s practice some mirror work and scripting, Before you do, check-in. Do you need to reground?
To practice mirror work, stand in front of a mirror. Holding your own gaze, repeat your shame story aloud until the phrase looses its intensity. “I’m weird,” “I’m too loud,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m boring.”
Finally, grab your journal and begin to write on the following:
I embrace my *insert shame story* by…
The superpower of my *insert shame story* is…
When I embrace all aspects of me, I feel…
When I own my shame _________ becomes possible.
Again, pause. Notice. Witness what comes alive within you as you connect to the possibility of owning your shame story, liberating yourself from its shackles.
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Go Deeper
If you’d like to learn more about shadow work, I recommend reading The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford, and Goldmining the Shadows by Pixie Lighthorse.
Shadow work can be a practice we do once and notice a significant shift, or it can be a practice we return to. You might notice the more you return to the above practices, the deeper you go.
