Part 4: Stories Beyond Shame

Now that we’ve named shame for what it is (a bottomless pit), practiced cultivating an internal sense of safety, and began the journey of reclaiming our shame story (spoiler: you’re not bad, you’re enough!), it’s time we take the final step in breaking the shame spell: blooming into stories beyond shame.

To begin, I’m going to ask you a big question. My hope is it becomes a question you return to often.

Who are you?

We all have a self beyond stories of shame. When we peel back the layers of lies we’ve been told and sold, what’s left?

“Who am I?” is one of the most important questions we will ever ask ourselves. In my first yoga teacher training, we would meditate on this question like a mantra. If I got quiet and lucky enough, an answer would appear.

I’d like to think it’s in these moments of stillness that I make contact with my soul. Others might use language such as true self, authentic self, capital “S” Self, core self, higher self, or spirit. Please take licensing and use language that resonates with you, but for me, I use soul, true self, core self, and higher self interchangeably.

Simply put, it’s your capital “S” Self.

My first yoga teacher would describe contact with Self as meeting the centre, of the centre, of the centre. Unencumbered by worldly messages, programming, and shame, we hear our soul speak.

At the centre, of the centre, of the centre, there we are.

We can experience our true self through a variety of different means. Sometimes this is intentional, other times not.

Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), said he would experience his core self on the basketball court. For me, it’s when I’m in nature, in ritual, or moving my body, albeit walking my dog, practicing yoga, or singing and dancing about my kitchen as I cook dinner.

As you strengthen your relationship with Self, try reflecting on when and where you feel most free and yourself.

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Why would we want to get into contact with our true self, when moving beyond shame? For lack of a better word, because our true self isn’t an asshole.

The practice of inhabiting our stories beyond shame involves passing the microphone to our true self, and learning how to spend more and more time here.

First, notice when shame is present. Are you using “should” language? Are you speaking unkindly to yourself? Are you wrapped in a narrative of not good enough?

Once we’ve noticed shame, we can disrupt the story and pivot to a different one.

This is where the 7 C’s come in.

Most will agree their experience of Self lends itself to the 7 C’s of openheartedness shared in part two; calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous, clear.

I love the 7 C’s because it offers a point of reference; a way to check-in with ourselves. Is my heart open? Am I in a state of calm, curiosity, connection, compassion, confidence, courageousness, or clarity? If not, can I offer myself the medicine of the 7 C’s, to see my pain with openheartedness?

From this place, we make greater contact with our Self.

Once you’ve notice the shame story on repeat, offer it compassion and curiosity — 2 out of 7 of the C’s.

Already, you’re strengthening your connection with Self, and giving Self the microphone.

And gentle reminder: you didn’t come here to berate yourself. When we pass the mic to our true self and spend more time in this space, we gather clues toward the big, illustrious question “who am I?”

As we answer this question over time, new stories emerge.

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When I offer compassion to my shame story I’m bad because I’m weird, I’m brought back to my little, creative self. Younger me loved paper mache and performing songs for her family after dinner, and somewhere along the way was shamed for the spark of her true, authentic Self.

Yet, as I began to reconnect with my Self and answer the question “who am I?” my weirdness softened into eccentricity, which eventually softened into embracing my fun.

I’m weird transformed into I’m fun.

Need photo evidence? I had a plastic, toy microphone at my wedding… that I proceeded to sing into on the dance floor alllll night long.

Have you ever heard the saying, don’t yuck my yum?

My note to shame: don’t weird my fun.

Image of Taylor being lifted in a chair, singing Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. Little Tay would be tickled with delight.

I would have never done this in my early 20’s.

Yet, through navigating internalized stories of shame, my “weirdness” is no longer a cage that limits my life, but has morphed into story I am proud to claim.

Go Deeper

Where do you experience greater contact with your true self? This will look different for everyone, but we can often look for clues in the 7 C’s. Where do you experience greater calm, curiosity, connection, compassion, confidence, courageousness, or clarity?

1. Once you’ve identified where you experience great contact with Self, do more of that. Not that you need another reason to do things you love, but remember, this is big work; this is how we get into contact with who we are, who we came here to be.

2. As you practice soul-giving activities, savour it. Notice what comes alive in your body. If you were to describe this feeling to someone who had never experienced it before, how would you describe it? If words feel intangible, can you invite your awareness to linger with the sensations that are present? In other words, what does it feel like to be connected with your Self?

3. From the place of savoured sensation, ask, who am I? Who am I beyond stories of shame? At the centre, of the centre, of the centre, who are you?

Remember, this is a layered, often life long process. I don’t know anyone who has completely abolished their shame. Rather, can we set an intention of being in dialogue with our shame? While equally passing the microphone to our truest of selves?